Stayka
Shitennou
- Registriert
- 13. September 2004
- Beiträge
- 11.525
Hier mal ein Beispiel von einem Gedicht, wie ich es ursprünglich geschrieben hatte, und wie es dann aussah, nachdem der Professor aus dem Creative Poetry Writing Seminar damit fertig war. Da kann man ziemlich gut sehen, wie man aus einer Rohfassung dann ein durchaus lesenswertes Teil prügeln kann.
Original:
To the Point
I sharpen my words
So that their points
Will as surely kill you
As daggers of finest steel
Didn't a wise man say once
That a word
Is sharper than a sword
And twice as deadly?
He surely was right
Thus I will brandish my pen
And kill you by my sentence
If I use my dagger
To cut up your throat
You'll be dead swiftly and surely
If I cut you down
With my words, though
You will suffer for all eternity
And there will be myriads of witnesses
To your immortalized agony
Von Professor Gassenmeier überarbeitete Fassung:
Danse Macabre
Oh, let me sharpen words
So that their points
Will kill you
Daggerlike as finest steel
Did not a wise man say once
That a word
Is sharper than a sword
And twice as deadly?
He certainly was right:
So I will brandish my well-sharpened pen
And kill you with my sentence
Using my dagger
To cut up your throat
You will be dead in a moment
Cutting you down
With my words or a line
I will make you suffer forever
And myriads of witnesses with glee
Will watch you in eternal agony
Wenn man die beiden Versionen gegenüberstellt und laut vorliest, merkt man bei der ersten Fassung, dass man da zuweilen im Rhythmus stolpert. Die überarbeitete Fassung hingegen liest sich viel runder.
Original:
To the Point
I sharpen my words
So that their points
Will as surely kill you
As daggers of finest steel
Didn't a wise man say once
That a word
Is sharper than a sword
And twice as deadly?
He surely was right
Thus I will brandish my pen
And kill you by my sentence
If I use my dagger
To cut up your throat
You'll be dead swiftly and surely
If I cut you down
With my words, though
You will suffer for all eternity
And there will be myriads of witnesses
To your immortalized agony
Von Professor Gassenmeier überarbeitete Fassung:
Danse Macabre
Oh, let me sharpen words
So that their points
Will kill you
Daggerlike as finest steel
Did not a wise man say once
That a word
Is sharper than a sword
And twice as deadly?
He certainly was right:
So I will brandish my well-sharpened pen
And kill you with my sentence
Using my dagger
To cut up your throat
You will be dead in a moment
Cutting you down
With my words or a line
I will make you suffer forever
And myriads of witnesses with glee
Will watch you in eternal agony
Wenn man die beiden Versionen gegenüberstellt und laut vorliest, merkt man bei der ersten Fassung, dass man da zuweilen im Rhythmus stolpert. Die überarbeitete Fassung hingegen liest sich viel runder.