To the Point / Danse Macabre

Hier mal ein Beispiel von einem Gedicht, wie ich es ursprünglich geschrieben hatte, und wie es dann aussah, nachdem der Professor aus dem Creative Poetry Writing Seminar damit fertig war. Da kann man ziemlich gut sehen, wie man aus einer Rohfassung dann ein durchaus lesenswertes Teil prügeln kann.

Original:

To the Point

I sharpen my words
So that their points
Will as surely kill you
As daggers of finest steel

Didn't a wise man say once
That a word
Is sharper than a sword
And twice as deadly?

He surely was right
Thus I will brandish my pen
And kill you by my sentence

If I use my dagger
To cut up your throat
You'll be dead swiftly and surely

If I cut you down
With my words, though
You will suffer for all eternity

And there will be myriads of witnesses
To your immortalized agony


Von Professor Gassenmeier überarbeitete Fassung:

Danse Macabre

Oh, let me sharpen words
So that their points
Will kill you
Daggerlike as finest steel

Did not a wise man say once
That a word
Is sharper than a sword
And twice as deadly?

He certainly was right:
So I will brandish my well-sharpened pen
And kill you with my sentence

Using my dagger
To cut up your throat
You will be dead in a moment

Cutting you down
With my words or a line
I will make you suffer forever

And myriads of witnesses with glee
Will watch you in eternal agony

Wenn man die beiden Versionen gegenüberstellt und laut vorliest, merkt man bei der ersten Fassung, dass man da zuweilen im Rhythmus stolpert. Die überarbeitete Fassung hingegen liest sich viel runder.