The Beast and I [V:tM]

Hallo,

mein nächstes Machwerk poste ich mal besser Abschnittsweise, sonst liest es wieder keiner

The night after tomorrow
This misty night is keeping the tradition of the grayish day it follows. It's 10 p.m. and I’m sitting at a bus station next to a club, pretty popular among those in Freshman-year.
“Easy prey”, I whisper as a couple of girls close up. Rising from the plastic-bench I consider myself pretty smart, a hunter of sorts. As I match my pace to the girls’ I notice I’ve almost grown a custom to this. Maybe I’m getting old… we’ll see.
I slightly accelerate my movement. Just quick enough to catch up with the girls before they reach the club. Walking a couple of steps behind them I smell the mixture of their perfumes. “Deep Red”, I say to myself and I can’t help from smiling, for this scent brings joyful memories back to my mind. Sophie used to wear it. What an inspiring, naïve girl. But she’s history. At least a month must have passed since we met the last time. “Call me!”, she said. Sure…
The girls are talking about the usual nonsense. I listen to them to determine their kind of nonsense. Finally one of the girls turns around and looks at me. “Hi there!”, I hear myself saying. She’s quite a beauty, definitely the Deep-Red-girl. There’s something in her eyes that disturbs me. She’s a quite tall, skinny girl, maybe 20 years old with long brown hair and a pretty face. I can’t say, if she’s wearing any make-up, but she’s looking great in her camouflage tank top and grey Jeans. I shiver with excitement as she replies. Now the other girls turn around. That’s the moment you have to keep control at.
I keep smiling and greet all of them.
“Hi, are you heading for the Asylum, too?” Sure they are. We small talk until we reach the entrance.
“Jo, Jimmy. How's it going?” I look at the great hulk of a man standing in front of the door.
“Just fine, Cesar. How are you?” I believe this man will always be grateful to me, for making him meet his Maria. We shake hands and I can’t help from being hugged. Well, I guess girls like respected men and Cesar’s a nice guy. I get in for free and I also smuggle in the Deep-Red-girl. This usually impresses younger girl. Her name is Lesley. I’ve never had a Lesley before.
I love this place. The Asylum is the home of contrasts: The slippery, filthy atmosphere meets the most accurately cleaned floor, the polished glasses along with couches as neat as Mom’s are, down in Atlanta. Customers dressed and made-up like grotesque caricatures from a Tim Burton movie with alienated faces and strange haircuts, talking about their ‘Alma Mater’.
In the entrance hall we wait for the other girls and I use the time to prepare my hunt.
“What did you register for?”, I yell at her, for this must be the noisiest room of all. I’ve learned the names of most of the professors and read some books on the most common studies. She turns to me, bends forward and answers:
“Psychopathology!” Wow, these eyes. Psychopathology?! I’ve met a girl studying that before, but she told me it was Biology. She thought it would make me feel uneasy.
“Wow, what’s it like?”, I ask actually being interested in her answer. Her response in addition to her eyes makes me lose my concentration for a second:
“I can’t tell. Somehow I feel home among the insane.” Then she starts giggling and I see her friends walking in.
We enter the club and the other girls all seem to have their boyfriends waiting for them. Well, I guess I’ve chosen the right girl. My usual seat is still vacant and so I accompany Lesley to the couch. I like this corner of the room, because you have quite a view on the dance floor.
“Can I get you something to drink, Lesley?”, I ask, as I always do.
“No, thanks. I’m not thirsty.”, she replies and so I get myself a beer. I sit down, next to her and start a conversation:
“So, where are you from? You look like a Jersey Girl to me…”
“How’d you now that? I actually come from Atlantic City. But it’s lame there, so I went to the Big Apple and… here I am.”, she smiles and I dream away for a moment. These eyes…
“Atlantic City is boring? I thought it was the ‘East Coast Vegas’, some of my colleagues go there at the weekends. Why didn’t you like it there?”, I ask her, playing the ignorant city kid.
“For the same reason why you left Atlanta, I guess.”, she says and makes me spit a zip of beer back in my glass.
“How do you know I’m from Atlanta? I didn’t tell you!”, I wonder.
“Oh, I guessed… so I was right. You looked like someone from Atlanta to me.”, she aped me and we started to laugh. But it still feels strange, how can she know where I’m from? We talk on for a while and sometime around midnight I ask her to dance. First she hesitates, but finally I persuade her and we step on the dance floor. A slow Dark Wave song starts, she seems to know and she wraps her arms around my neck. She is rather cold to the touch, somehow I like that. I gently touch her lower back and she slowly pushes her knee between my legs.
“She asks for it…”, I think and hold her a bit closer. As we dance, I look into her eyes and the strange feeling I have since I first saw them some hours ago intensifies. I wonder what these disturbing, green eyes remind me of, but before I come to a conclusion Lesley pulls her lips to my ear and whispers:
“You feel like a psychotic serial-killer who looks into a mirror and recognizes, that he himself will be his final victim, don’t you?” That’s it. That’s exactly what I feels like, looking in her eyes. I push her away and take some steps backward before I turn around and run to the exit. I keep running until I reach my motorcycle and drive home immediately. That. Was. Freaking. Nuts.
But still I can’t forget her eyes. There’s something about her eyes that attracts me in a, I have to admit, sick way. I find it hard to fall asleep and I keep turning around on my sheets. I throw in some pills and soon I fall into a dreamless slumber.
>*<


Wie gefällt es Euch soweit? Schreibt was...

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Wow... recht abstrakter Sprung... gut, er FÜHLT dass sie anders ist, dunkel, kalt und ZU viel weiß... aber warum verängstigt ihn das so sehr dass er aufgibt ?
Aus erzählerischer Sicht interessant, weil der Charakter noch einmal die Chance hat ihr später zu begegnen. Als Rollenspieler hätte ich persönlich für ihn eine andere Entscheidung getroffen, aber du hast ihn "erschaffen" und weißt deshalb besser "wie er reagiert"
Gefällt mir. Ich hoffe auf mehr ...

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Das soll ja auch ein bisschen spannend sein... und ich habs ja schon weitergeschrieben, nur wenns so viel ist liest es wieder keiner wie bei "Macht"...

kannst Du auch was zum Text selbst sagen? Soll ich weiterposten?

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]


Da ist aber jemand Geil auf Lob, hm?

Durro-Dhun schrieb:

Ich hoffe auf mehr ...

Zum Vergrößern anklicken....

Dachte eigentlich dass damit alles gesagt ist. Der Text gefällt mir, du schaffst es, Stimmung einzufangen und bildlich zu beschreiben. Und deswegen will ich MEHR

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Oh, na dann, hier ist der Rest von Kapitel 1:

As I awake the next day it is already past noon, thankfully I remember it’s Saturday. I crawl out of my sweaty sheets and make my way to the bathroom. As I look into mirror I see Lesley standing right behind me, I wince and immediately turn around. Of course it’s no one there, but cold sweat had already moistened my back. Shaking my head I enter the shower and I hope the hot water can wash away these strange memories.
“I have to see her again.”, I suddenly catch myself saying.
“Oh, no. I don’t.”, I answer in my most cynical voice. Great, I’ve already started talking to myself. Her eyes are driving me mad.
“This will never stop, if I don’t meet her again.”, I whisper, angry about myself leading monologues again. I decide that it’s best to go to the Asylum again tonight. All day I try to forget her, I drink, watch TV, turn up the music till my ears are aching. Nothing. Her eyes are still on my mind, driving me crazy. Finally the evening comes closer.
Today I’m not sitting at the bus station, but I’m heading straight forward to the Asylum. She must be there. She must be there. If I can’t get her out of my head I will need a real asylum. I reach the Asylum some minutes to soon, so I have to wait. Although I stopped smoking some years ago I walk over to the cigarette machine and get myself a pack of Lucky’s. When the door opens a quarter of an hour later I’ve already smoked away half the cigarettes. Cesar steps out of the door and gazes at me:
“Man, what happened to you, last night? You ran like the devil’s in your back!”
“I… just forgot to turn off my oven. Nothing to serious… really.”, I lied, impatiently waiting for him to let me in.
“You sure you’re okay? You don’t usually com here so early, do you?”, he continued, honestly concerned.
“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, just let me in, Cesar!”, I respond, starting to get angry.
“Ok, man… whatever you say.”, he gives in and steps aside.
The cold, tomblike smelling air welcomes me and grants me a bit of alleviation. I stand inside the entrance hall, close my eyes and the Asylum - it’s smell, the music and even the feeling it gives - embraces me. I open my eyes and there she is, looking at me with a puzzled expression on her pretty, pale face. Inside myself I surrender, no way escaping her.
“Hey Jimmy! Sorry about yesterday, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”, she really looks sorry and I watch my hand moving up to gently stroking her cheek. She looks at her feet and her ashamedness makes me recover the strength I lost yesterday night. Almost automatically I grab her hand and take her to our special place. I guess it’s ours now. Again she doesn’t want anything to drink, so I decide not to drink anything myself. Until now I managed not to look into her eyes but sooner or later I’ll have to and I’m afraid of it.
“What’s the matter, Jimmy. Why don’t you look at me, don’t you like me anymore?”, she sounds really sad. I pity her and so I look up and our eyes meet. She’s so beautiful, her discreet Deep Red scent catches my attention. I look at her gorgeous face, her sweet little nose, her thin, but intensely red lips, her well-shaped cheeks and her eyes. Her stunning, green eyes. They look sad and lively at the same time, there’s something in her eyes giving me hope and it’s the same something frightening me to death. But still they are fascinating.
“Hey, I do still like you… um, do… you like to dance again?”, I mumble, struggling to find words. Her face brightens up and she smiles. She has such a sweet smile. She nods and I gently pull her to the dance floor. Today it’s Dark Rock Day in the Asylum, so we dance face to face, shaking our limbs. We dance for about an hour and I am totally exhausted, but Lesley doesn’t even seem to sweat.
“What a stamina”, I think.
“Wow, I’m exhausted… let’s sit down…”, I pant and she nods. After I got myself a beer, she still isn’t thirsty, we return to our seat and I put myself a bit closer to her. She smiles at me and I shiver… I start to love her eyes. Taking a zip from my glass I think of that to say.
“Hey, you’re a stunning dancer!”, I praise her and she laughs:
“Come on… you’re the dancer!” We smile at each other and she takes my hand. Her hand is cold as usually and her skin feels soft like silk. I pull her closer to me and carefully put my arm around her shoulders. It feels so good to sense her closeness. She leans her head against my neck and I smell the lovely scent of her hair. After a while she raises her head, we look at each other and after a few moments we kiss. The kiss tastes like blood, but it tastes good. I wince as I notice, that I’ve already swallowed quite a bit of her blood. Uncertain what to do I try to pull my head away from her, but she’s holding me tight. So I close my lips and she lets me go. Angry I look at her, but she just smiles at me licking a drop of blood away from her lower lip.
“Are you crazy? What was that supposed to mean? You bit yourself!”, I shout, moving away from her.
“Why are you so mad? Didn’t it taste good? Come on…”, she pleads, stroking my neck with her cold hand. I don’t know what to do… did I get that right? She wants me to drink her blood?
“Sorry, girl… I ain’t no vampire…”, I shake my head. She looks deep into my eyes, climbs on my lap and kisses me, gently pushing her tongue between my lips.
“But I am…”, she whispers and I feel her slightly warm blood running into my mouth. I don’t know why, but I allow it to happen, and so while we kiss I swallow even more of her sweet blood. Although I feel like a pervert, drinking someone’s blood, I like the taste of it. When she stops bleeding I even yearn for more. I open my eyes again and amazed I notice that everything I perceive has grown in intensity. The dim light is more distinct, the shadows of those dancing are moving faster, colors are more colorful and I feel like I could smell twice as good. And I feel something about Lesley, who just sits on my legs grinning and stroking through my hair. What a girl.
“Wow… how’d you…”, I start mumbling, but Lesley silences me:
“Don’t you think about it, it drove you mad. Just experience it.”
I will. I grabbed her head and kissed her, our tongues struggling with each other, our lips sucking on one another. The feeling taking me over has to be described as ecstatic. I keep kissing her, until I suddenly hear someone clearing his throat behind my back.
“Could you please get yourselves a room?”, I hear a voice saying. Suddenly I grow furious. I let go of Lesley and look around her head yelling:
“Why don’t you just fu… oh, hey Cesar…”, I add, being ashamed for my outburst.
“Listen guys, your just going to far, I’ll have to ask you to stop it, or to leave.”, Cesar continues, sounding more polite. I look at Lesley and she’s wearing a smile on her face.
“Okay, we’ll leave.”, I give in as Lesley climbs off my lap. Cesar’s slapping my shoulder as I pass him and he whispers:
“Jackpot, Jimmy…” Jackpot, indeed. What a girl. I ask her to me, on a coffee, but she declines.
“When will we meet again? I need to see you again!”, I plead, wondering what makes me so dependent.
“What about tomorrow evening? Let’s meet here and then we’ll go to my place!”, she offers and I accept. Of course I accept, she’s just unbelievable. Her eyes are on my mind all day, but now, I don’t fight that mental picture.

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Wow... toll beschrieben, wie ihn auf einmal die Erinnerung an sie nicht mehr loslässt und er - fast schon getrieben von einem Befehl - verzweifelt feststellt, sie wieder sehen zu MÜSSEN... und das alles noch bevor er überhaupt ihr Blut getrunken hat...

Out of Character

Hm... ich tippe mal stark darauf, dass sie eine Torrie ist... oder evtl eine besonders schöne Brujah, ebenfalls mit Präsenz

Dann... der Kuss... wow. Toll beschrieben. Vor allem das Blut. Genial. Außer einigen wenigen Beispielen hier in der Ahnenblut-Chronik habe ich lange nciht mehr so eine gute Beschreibung der Wirkung von Vampirblut gelesen. (Du solltest dir mal überlegen, ob du nicht in der Chronik einsteigen willst...)

Hm... ist mir vorher nicht sonderlich aufgefallen, weil ich öfter englische Literatur lese, aber dein Englisch ist sehr flüssig und stilvoll. Gefällt mir... ich hoffe auf Kapitel 2

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Wow danke! Ich habe zwar - ohne jetzt angeben zu wollen, echt nicht! - schon etwas lob hierfür erhalten, aber bisher kein so begründetes wie Deins! Danke dafür, das hilft mir ja auch mich zu verbessern. Vor allem freut mich, dass es Dir jetzt so gut gefällt, nachdem Du beim ersten Teil recht zurückhaltend warst *ggg*

Ich hab in Kapitel 3 angefangen Scheiße zu schreiben und werde es deswegen neu schreiben, aber soweit es mir selbst noch zusagt kann ich es gerne noch posten! Aber vorher wäre es schön, wenn noch jemand anderes was dazu sagt!

Gruß,
+Hesha

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Das Problem an solchen Texten ist in der Regel, dass die meisten Ghoule beginnen, nach einem universalen Muster zu handeln. Dadurch wird es für den Autor schwer, etwas neues, oder wie Hasran wahrscheinlich sagen würde, etwas originelles zu schreiben.
Wer schafft es aber schon, eine bereits abzusehende, weil schon so oft in anderen Texten gelesene Handlung interessant und nicht langweilig zu gestalten?
Nur zu leicht läuft man Gefahr, in VtM Klischees abzudriften... und dann verliert der Text an Spannung...

Solltest du irgendwann mit dem 3. Kapitel fertig sein, würde ich mich freuen es hier zu lesen.

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Weißt Du, irgendwie hätte ich gerne 'ne Runde in der ich SO spielen könnte. Mit Emotionen, Charakter... ach ja, aber woher nehmen und nicht stehlen?!

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Okay, scheinbar hat vorerst niemand interesse, dann kommt der Anfang von Kapitel 2 eben nur für Durro...

What a feeling
The next day I get up early and tidy up my apartment, just in case that Lesley comes here. I usually don’t get up early on weekends, but today on this Sunday I don’t even find it strange. After I finished my work, I go to the training room and work out for several hours. I don’t remember being that strong: I easily press all my weights, my punching ball flies through the room, like a balloon. Afterwards I take a shower, shave and eat some apples for breakfast. While I'm eating I think of Lesley again. She’s really lovely, a bit weird I have to admit, but still she’s a great girl. Maybe it’s her weirdness, that attracts me to her. In the afternoon I drive to the city and get myself some new clothes. A dark grey jeans jacket and matching trousers, a white worker-shirt and a bottle of Hugo Boss’ “Deep Red” for Lesley.
We meet again in the evening. Lesley’s wearing a dark red long-sleeved shirt, which somehow emphasizes her perfectly-formed breasts and a black skirt, fluttering around her light skinned legs in a warm summer’s wind. My heart starts beating faster as I approach her and she appears to be happy to see me as well.
“Hey, handsome!”, she calls across the street. We run towards each other and she jumps into my arms. I hold her as tight as possible and I know I never want to let her go again.
“Hey babe, I got you something.”, I say and give her the bottle. The smiles and kisses me without saying a thing. So it was the right present.
We decide to go to the movies and to drive there by my motorcycle. I love the feeling of her holding on to me as we drive and I almost feels sorry, when we arrive. “Blade” is on, some terrible vampire-movie, but Lesley seems to like it, so I invite her and we enter the projection room to sit down in the middle of the final row. I don’t understand what she finds so funny about that film, but she keeps giggling all the time. To silence her, I put my hand on a bare spot on her leg and slowly move it upwards. First she doesn’t react, but as my hand has made half it’s way up she turns to me and grins lustful. I bend over to kiss her, and again I taste the exquisite flavor of her blood. Willingly I open my mouth and allow the sweet nectar to run down my throat. This is unbelievable, I am actually drinking blood. I still don’t know why. Someone else’s I wouldn’t touch, I know that for sure, but Lesley’s blood tastes different. It’s like the best champagne, the most exquisite caviar and the strongest drug imaginable. And it makes me high. While kissing her I suddenly feel a slight sting in my lower lip.
I awake as the curtains close and look at Lesley, who just closes the buttons on her skirt. She grins and points at my trousers, hanging around my feet.
“Have… have we…?”, I mumble, still in a daze. She kisses me and replies most casually:
“You can bet we have… you were great!” I shrug and put on my pants.
“Hey, girl… listen. Usually I’m just for… quite the thing we did a moment ago… but… you’re special, you know? You… you, make me feel, like I need you… aww, come here!”, I say and long for her touch. She smiles and I gently embrace her. Sitting there with the greatest girl ever in my arms, I notice a tear runs down her face. When the light brightens in the projection room I recognize it is not an ordinary tear, since it’s trail is red like blood.
“Hey Lesley, are you bleeding? There’s blood on your cheek…”, I whisper, softly shaking her. She winces and tries to wipe it away, but she only smears it across her cheek. I help her out by licking it up and she gives me a grin.
“Thanks, it’s dangerous running around like that.”, she whispers as we stand up and leave the theatre.
“What do you mean? Why is it dangerous?”, I worry, holding her hand on our way out on the streets.
“Hunters. They could find me and I don’t want to be found.”, she says quietly, grasping my arm anxiously. I believe she tries to make fun of me and I get angry:
“Stop telling bullshit! You’re really strange and I’d really like to understand, because… because I love you.” I look to me feet, somehow ashamed of what I’ve just said, but Lesley stops and turns my head back up.
“For real?”, she quietly asks, her lips shivering and with a glaze in her eyes, being close to tears. I embrace and kiss her, holding her close:
“Of course, Lesley, I love you… You’ve become everything to me, even though we know each other for such a short time. I’m honest, and I’m absolutely sure about it.” Clinging tightly to me she starts crying, so I carry her away from the street into a side street.
“Hey, girl… what’s the matter… I didn’t mean to…”, I try to comfort her with holding her tenderly.
“No, you… you didn’t do wrong… it’s just that I… I’m not what you think, I… no, no forget it!”, she sobs and I see tears of blood run down her cheeks. I’m totally confused. What is wrong with her?

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Weißt Du, irgendwie hätte ich gerne 'ne Runde in der ich SO spielen könnte. Mit Emotionen, Charakter... ach ja, aber woher nehmen und nicht stehlen?!

Zum Vergrößern anklicken....

LOL! Vergiss es! Dafür brauchst du zu viel Zeit, wenn du so was als P&P spielen wollen würdest! IdR ist so was nur in einem Forenplay drin, weil da jeder etwas länger Zeit hat, über seine Handlungen und Dialoge nachzudenken. Aber wie gesagt... in Ahnenblut dürfte noch ein Platz für dich frei sein, wenn du nicht unbedingt einen Gen4 Kappa spielen willst

@Text:
Ok... die "üblichen" Symptome des ersten Schlucks Vampirblut am Anfang... aber weniger klischeehaft beschrieben als viel mehr liebevoll in die Details gegangen.
Mir gefällt vor allem die Gleichberechtigung, die sie ihm einräumt. Sie behandelt ihn eher wie einen guten Freund als wie einen Sklaven, zu dem ein Ghoul nun mal leicht verkommen kann... (Sie ist noch nciht so alt, oder? Ein "junger" Vampir, der noch nahe an den Emotionen der Menschheit steht und verzweifelt einen Gefühlsanker sucht, um nicht auf die emotionale Stufe eines Raubtiers zu sinken...)
Mir gefällt der Charakter Lesley... sie versucht etwas zu sein, das sie nicht mehr ist: Ein unschuldiger Mensch mit einfachen, ehrlichen Gefühlen. Vielleicht hat sie die ja wirklich noch. Auch Vampire sollen manchmal lieben können. Vielleicht ist es aber auch nur ein großes, bitterböses Theaterstück, das sie unserem jungen Herren hier vorspielt ?

Du hast den sich anzeichnenden "Verfall" von Lesleys Charakter schön ausgearbeitet... sie wäre gerne ein Mensch, muss aber damit auskommen, was sie mittlerweile ist. Irgend wann einmal wird sie sich gegenüber unserem jungen Champion unangebracht, ja unmenschlich verhalten. Und auch wenn er es nicht realisiert oder sofort wieder verwirft, weil er mittlerweile zu sehr unter ihrem Einfluss steht und körperlich von ihrem Blut abhängig ist, sie wird zutiefst erschrecken und glauben, einen wichtigen Teil ihrer Selbst, ihrer Menschlichkeit verloren zu haben...

Falls du weitergeschrieben hast, bin ich gespannt auf eine Fortsetzung, aber lass dir Zeit...

BTW: Du hast den Text doppelt eingefügt...

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Mal was eher "organisatorisches" ein Kumpel von mir, desse Urteil mir eigentlich schon wichtig ist, hat kritisiert, dass ich einen ich-Erzähler gewählt habe, es war aber Absicht um seine Gefühlwelt nicht abstrakt beschreiben zu müssen., wie siehst Du das?

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Hm... Ich-Erzähl-Perspektive hat genau diesen Vorteil. Außerdem wirken dann die Gefühle idR "echter". Ich habe ähnliche Geschichten auch schon aus der Third-Person Perspektive geschrieben... meiner Meinung nach ist das alles reine Geschmackssache

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

So, auch mal gelesen, trotz englisch

Ist gut geschrieben, in (meiner Meinung nach) flüssigem Englisch und auch die Ich-Perspektive find ich ok. Man bekommt gut Einblick in seine Gedanken. Vom Jäger zum 'Gejagten', wobei die Ghulwerdung und der Kuss, die Gefühle beim ersten Blut trinken und das Verlangen nach ihr gut beschrieben sind. Und nun schlittert der gute Stück für Stück in eine Welt der Dunkelheit, von der er noch keine Ahnung hat. Wird sicher nett zu lesen wie es weitergeht.

Also, weiter so :bravo:

AW: The Beast and I [V:tM]

Ich habe bereits einen Teil vorher lesen dürfen und finde das wirklich klasse, was da entstanden ist.

Macht Lust, selber zum Füllfederhalter zu greifen, um etwas zu Papier zu bringen.

Gruß,
Felix